i'm feeling very quirky-odd today. hearing Mal say "jolly good feel" made me lough out loud hysterically. maybe its from having too much sleep. i couldn't be any more sleepy after being a pig in bed the last two weeks. geezz... so much for re-scheduling my waking hours.

think i'm just going to be anti-social today. stay at home on a friday nite. hmmm... maybe even finish up with my room - that's beginning to see signs of procrastination.

i went to watch Signs with Hj Syam yesterday. i think the film was alrite. nothing to shout about. just thought the facts about the religion bit were all messed up. *shrug* very unusual for a Hollywood film to be blatantly unresearched. ah well.

i didn't sleep a wink yesterday. after dropping Syam home at Bkt Jalil, i went home straight in autopilot and slept. only to wake at 3am and made a huge tomato, mushroom and cheese omelette. yumm... juicy! stayed up to watch Nickelodeon Jr (for pre-schoolers)... heh. couldn't help thinking of ideas for coming up with some TV shows.

how exciting! @<@

alrite, he's got me in tears! i just read Patrick's blog and it's absolutely wonderful news to know baby Angelus is here! CONGRATS you guys! =) mummy and son are doing great. link up to Pat's blog if you just want to know how the young family is doing. =)

<< It was mesmerising, watching the greenish yellow color stir in the water. The vapours filled the room with a sweet scent, and the morning couldn't have been any colder. I stared at the peach blossom tree from the kitchen window, sipping on my hot peppermint tea. "Ahh... simplicity," I smiled. >>

I can't sleep. Just too many things rolling in my head. So I decided to come online. When I switched on ICQ, I had the nicest message from Patrick... Jethrel(02:20 AM) : angelus and i read your blog. he was on my lap ... angelus and i and edna just wanted to *wave* HIYE AUNTY ZONA! Tee hee ... I think I feel a tear rolling down.

I've been trying hard to get re-aligned with the rest of the world - in terms of waking hours that is. I've suddenly found so much energy and am in Day Three into Project Room Clean-Up. never thought it would take me this long. i think i'm only 70% done. @<@

Just thought I'd mention, I'm still jobless - but hanging in there. Couldn't do any better without great friends.

my days feel empty. and the irony is that i've chose it. i've chosen to be unhappy. but i guess i have to do this for myself. i don't know the reasons, but i've to put my faith in a future i can't see.

i didn't want to get out of bed today. i felt content staring at the ceiling. but i knew i had to go to church. i went with my parents to Mass, first time in almost two months sitting in my dad's car. heh. but the day had seem quiet. in my mind and surroundings.
sitting at the back pew, i noticed someone familiar on my far right. it was Adrian Chong and his gf Michelle. later, on the left corner of my eye, i saw Gary. *sigh* i was just hoping Jon wasn't sitting behind me. i think the last thing i wanted right now being surrounded by my past. after Mass, i was hoping to say hi to Adrian, but Michelle seemed to be shuffling him out quickly, so i didn't bother.

everyone seemed to be around this evening, i walked out and saw Adrian Lim. started wondering why i'm suddenly surrounded by old friends. yesterday, talking with James again. then tonite, had dinner with Adrian. drove around a while. and i kept thinking about that hill that Mal and i used to go to watch the stars. the simpler things made me happy with him. i wished things were just like that.

but i know i have to move on. even if my heart was going to be left behind.

life never gets simpler as you grow older. i'm in another phase of life, standing at a crossroad with a list. where are my priorities? what are my wants? what are my needs?

suddenly the comfort zone that i'm in with my career and relationships are shaken. not because of a dilemma, more so because i'm facing another type of identity crisis - being an adult. *sigh* why do i even need to deal with this? can't i just live every day waking up as it is?

oh, and i overslept this morning. only went to bed at 730am after a long night talking with Mal. i guess it's not resolved. i feel unsettled. but it left me to cancel my bak kut teh lunch date with Sharon and Arboon in Klang.

i just came back from meeting James at Coffee Bean. it's been a long time since we talked. was hesitant even telling him what was going on in my life, but since Sharon left us be - going off to the Oktoberfest (in September?) do in Bangsar with her sis - i couldn't just be talking abt other people with James all nite. it felt almost awkward.

but telling him about Mal and what was bothering me about work left me even more unsettled. so much to think about. *sigh*

i'll never be able to understand how Mal and i can argue for hours - battle it out with words that insult and hurt, philosophize the world's ideals and norms about what our relationship would be, and churn it inside out... and still come out of it stronger.

*sigh*

life is unfair to me right now. why does someone who seem so right, be so wrong all at once? =~(

happy birthday Mal.

my biological clock is officially upside down again! slept only at 8am yesterday. and now all i see is the length of night. hmmm...

went over to Linus' place earlier. he showed me some of his work - including Demolition Frog. i really envy people like this. those with the drive and motivation to produce work from their own initiatives. its a driving force for me to get off my ass and do things of my own as well. not just working at named places and working on other people's projects. there's just so many things i could do with what i have and the friends around with so much talent. and yet...

having all this free time, i should try to be disciplined and start doing things i like doing like painting, drawing and photography. especially photography - i want to pick that up again and try some black and white photography.

and i was thinking of one of my old ideas of reproducing my poetry in an art film style. talked to Linus about it and he said he would love to help me out. i've just got to run through my stuff and see ones i'd like to bring alive. this is my chance again... instead of claiming just one short docu to my name.

i'm even thinking of clearing out my room (and all that accumulated mess!) and table to make way for a desktop computer. one i can use to do some editing and graphic work... yes, i'm itching with creativity. let's just see how this works out!

wow. alrite. someone pinch me.
i'm absolutely in a daze right now!
i just met up with Patrick on ICQ and he just told me the news. his wife is expecting any day now!

Patrick is an old friend from high school. and i remember those early mornings going to school and meeting him at the EPF bus stop. we'd either catch a connecting bus down to school, or at crazy times, walk down the 2km to school. we hadn't spoken in a long time, and last news i heard he was engaged.

thinking of someone my age being married and having a family right now is just overwhelming to me. but at the same time i feel so excited and happy for Patrick and Edna! they're expecting a baby boy, Angelus, any time now. wow! i wish them all the love and graces from God. it's really wonderful news to me. and i'm almost at a lost for words. =D

it feels like after what's happened in the last week, i've learnt and felt the beauty of life and death. can you imagine experiencing so much in just one week?

i really can't wait to meet Angelus, and his mummy Edna, when they come back from Sabah in November. this can't be better news to me! =)

went with Sharon to watch xXx at MidValley today. was hesitant to see it cos i was put off by my ex-colleagues drooling over Vin Diesel. @__@ watched it anyway, the way i watch all other films - analyzing it inside out - heh. i liked the CG effects in some of the scenes. and its a film dedicated to the talent and bravado of film stuntmen. watched it wondering if i could ever work on a film...

later, we met up with Sagau (Nick, as we used to call him back in college) at Syed, Bangsar. one of those usual evenings of ex-classmates having a catch-up. talked about Tony's wake, among other things. Sharon wasn't there, cos she was still in KB. so Sagau and i shared with her some silly stories and goss on who's doing what and working where. sitting at Syed in the lower Bangsar area didn't make me feel the slightest bit among pretentiousness. though it was a different atmosphere sitting at a table (like those at Coffee Bean's) by the sidewalk. a wee bit like French sidewalk cafés ala Malaysiana. ^__^

the strangest bit of the evening wasn't sitting there. it was when a robed Caucasian man came up to Sagau and asked for a donation. he said some kind words in Tibetan (or something), then muttered "You have a lovely wife..." i shot a look at Sharon, hoping i misheard him! apparently Sagau didn't realise this cos he was too busy trying to decline. and Sharon was just laughing out loud. i was sitting next to Nick! and it just made me feel all strange... his wife?! but we laughed it out later when we told Nick this amusing mistake.
as if last week wasn't enough -- while at the wake, and we met up with some of my primary sch. classmates, Chow Keat and Andrew refuse to believe me that Sagau wasn't my boyfriend. @__@

and now i'm his wife?! all laughter aside, we went on to other topics. joking about things here and there. when i suddenly realised Sagau was actually flirting with me! i honestly couldn't believe my ears... i took it as a joke, dramatically grabbed Sharon's forearm and asked "am i hearing right?! is he flirting with me??" Sharon played along and asked him if he's had a long time crush on me or something. he laughed and asked how she could ask him that?! and that she should call him later to ask! @__@ man... these guys are my long time friends, and if they're starting to play a mean joke one me... *shrug*

the night's events sort of left me wondering about relationships in your 20s. people who get married - some to their long time sweethearts, or those after a long relationship marrying the next person they meet. is it all about timing? or just that sudden gap feeling that's there when you've just got everything else in life under control? i come home from work sometimes and wonder what other things there are to look forward to. it's really strange, cos i've been so used to being with my boyfriend or surrounded by friends and all kinds of activities. now, though being in an LDR with Mal, it actually feels like i'm single. *sigh* i don't remember feeling like this in my LDR with Gary. i guess maybe i'm all grown up now. and with Mal, i have a mature, rational relationship. and like Sharon said, Mal is my equal.

nevertheless, there's still something about marriage and commitment that gives me the shivers. there's so much i'd love to do and see on my own. Mal says i like being around people, but when it comes to certain things i'm personally passionate about, i tend to do them on my own, or alone. Quite the opposite of what he's like. one of the things i mentioned to him to make him say this was my intention of visiting Europe one day on my own. maybe on a work-holiday programme... who knows, in the next year or two. hmmm...

<< i lie awake in bed, watching the breeze rushing in, flapping the curtains open. the sunlight peeks curiously through the sliding doors.

i turn around and stare at the impression on the bed. "where am i?" i ask myself almost absent-mindedly. Train's Drops of Jupiter is playing in the background. the pillows are scattered on the bed, and the sheets are still warm. i see my clothes lying on the floor, but my fleece jacket is hung nicely on the cupboard across the bed.

suddenly i noticed the sound of the tap in the adjoining bathroom is turned off. i hear shuffling, and he walks out. "lazy bones, get out of bed! i can't believe it's 3pm already..."

it's almost surreal just lying here - almost like a scene from a movie.>>

i'm feeling utterly cynical today. seems nothing can go right. i've lost my sanity by a thread, and i feel like i could just buy myself a ticket and fly to Auckland to see Mal. that's all i want to do right now.

*sigh* reality pulls me down.
like an iron strapped to my ankle.

i felt relieved when i quit last week. and it was fine for the first few days. but now that i've hit one week and no one has sent me any news of my job applications, i'm about to hit the panic button... i'm beginning to think it was a mistake. *sigh* i prayed about it, and He told me to trust Him. but how long can my nerves take it? its just my human nature taking the worry-path. i asked Mal if i made the right decision leaving. he said, "yea, otherwise you'd find yourself buying a handbang!" there's putting light to the situation. heh. =P

its just the whole $$$ issue that's beginning to eat me up. and you know what?! i'd been rejected 3 times to get a credit card, and finally when my mom agreed to give me a supplementary card and it arrives, so do 2 more cards from the bank that approved my car loan! eessh... now what am i going to do with 3 cards? @_@ and its not helping - the temptation to buy a plane ticket and fly to NZ...

i met up with Damien Tuesday. and he was asking me about the guy i keep talking about in my blog. he wasn't sure if it was the same Green Satria Boy he met. i was so amused when he thought it was someone else. he always seem to have this idea in his head about me being a mistress! =/ geez...

"chaotic memories, all alone in misery
stuck in between, moments of cheers
and emotions endeared."

you don't realise how short life is until you've lost someone. especially someone your age. four days ago, i got a phone call from Sagau abt one of our classmates, Tony, who had commited suicide. i was at the supermarket that morning - already unsual for me to be awake at that hour since i quit my job - and was just extremely stunned when he told me what happened. i couldn't believe what i heard. i kept asking Sagau if it was true. if i wasn't some cruel joke. though half of me did wish it was. *sigh* Sagau told me to call Sharon and tell her the news. i couldn't. i went home, and just sat in front of my laptop. i had sms'd Mal what happened, and he met me online. but i just felt totally empty and distracted. it was too surreal to believe...

Tony was my classmate in primary school and later again in college. i wasn't close with him, but some of us from primary school usually had get togethers off and on and i remembered how Tony would tell us where's good to eat. he was a bit of an eccentric in his own way - a health freak and a fashion enthusiast. yea, he was very much in tuned to his feminine side. but he was definitely a cheery soul. and no one could believe he'd taken his own life. =(

i finally called Sharon about an hour after Sagau told me the news. i felt lost trying to tell her the bad news. she didn't believe me either when i told her. kept saying "i don't believe it... i dont believe it..." i teared when she said that. started seeing images Tony back in primary school and college. it was so surreal. i wished it were just a dream.

i went with Sagau to the wake at the PJ Crematorium later that night. met some of my old classmates i hadn't seen in a long while. its always strange how something like this has to happen to catch up with old friends. =( i had found out from Janice how it happened. Tony had been casually telling his parents that something was going to happen September 11th. but no one listened. Monday night, he drove his car to a deserted neighbourhood and plugged up the exhaust, took some sleeping pills. police found him ard midnite. no one could explain why he did it. Janice said Tony was feeling rather depressed the last 3 weeks, but he never said what about. he did ask a friend to help him get a psychiatrist's number. but other than that, he seemed perfectly fine.

*sigh* the things we take for granted. what we see and what we couldn't. do we wait for something bad to happen before we say that we could've done this or that to help. or had i known..? i started contemplating on my own moments of depression and the one time i suddenly had visions of hurting myself about three years ago. i acknowledged God's presence in my life to help me pull through all these moments. and i had wished Tony had that too. made me feel guilty for not being able to help. but what i can do now is pray that God embrace's Tony's soul with Love.

i cannot understand how close death is to me, around me, this year. first it was Jon's dad, just a month before my grandmother's passing. then Tony. i can only ask God to help me understand life's value and appreciate those around me while i live.

Sze Yen, one of my classmates had put up a tribute to Tony. Just if you want to pay it a visit.
http://members.fortunecity.com/zyenweb/tribute/wongyiewhong.html

i don't know why i feel so lost. i tend to feel like this when i'm home, online and Mal's not. this sort of space makes me think of the things that we used to do - like watching foreign independent films, blowing bubbles in the apartment lane, sitting at A&W brainstorming ideas or just sitting around in his car and talking about everything. it feels like a gap or a void in waking every day without him. it's just going to work, having lunch, coming home... or seeing friends off and on. doesn't seem like there's anything more to it than that.

Mal sent me a darling teddy bear late last week. he's a scruffy, desolate looking thing. but he's the sort of bear you learn to love. he's grey, has stitches and nice feeling velvety patches all over him. he's adorable. and i agree with Mal that he has quite a bit in common with Benjie. just thinking of Benjie and all he represents makes me smile, cos i know he's not just a bear - and all that i'm thinking about him reminds me of how Mal and i talk about things. *sniffles*

*blink* sent in my resignation this morning. finally. couldn't make head or tail of my change in demeanour, and coming home almost everyday bitchin about my colleagues doesn't make for good karma. man, why am i even talking like this? so, i got Mal to help me write my resignation letter. i really couldn't do it myself because of all that anger.

anyway, i feel kind of at ease now knowing i can be a free spirit again. and i won't need to mind the over-dose of estrogen everyday. even Dino said the other day that their conversations were getting worse - almost like they were in heat or something. =/ mind the crudeness.

i guess its time to catch up on sleep (heh), update my website and numerous leisure activities that will help me regain the positive psyche. was kinda happy that Mike asked me the other day if i was interested in attending the Life & Love Seminar. i think i need some spiritual uplifting again. it's been a looong while. but there's never a better time to start again.

on the other hand, i'm missing Mal like crazy. *sigh* am beginning to feel that depressive yearning state. almost at a higher state of helplessness. =( we meet each other online, almost every night. but that's just never enough. we even have our lil' virtual dates once in a while, and i think its really sweet! cos we learn a lot about each other that way. i miss him. =(