"chaotic memories, all alone in misery
stuck in between, moments of cheers
and emotions endeared."

you don't realise how short life is until you've lost someone. especially someone your age. four days ago, i got a phone call from Sagau abt one of our classmates, Tony, who had commited suicide. i was at the supermarket that morning - already unsual for me to be awake at that hour since i quit my job - and was just extremely stunned when he told me what happened. i couldn't believe what i heard. i kept asking Sagau if it was true. if i wasn't some cruel joke. though half of me did wish it was. *sigh* Sagau told me to call Sharon and tell her the news. i couldn't. i went home, and just sat in front of my laptop. i had sms'd Mal what happened, and he met me online. but i just felt totally empty and distracted. it was too surreal to believe...

Tony was my classmate in primary school and later again in college. i wasn't close with him, but some of us from primary school usually had get togethers off and on and i remembered how Tony would tell us where's good to eat. he was a bit of an eccentric in his own way - a health freak and a fashion enthusiast. yea, he was very much in tuned to his feminine side. but he was definitely a cheery soul. and no one could believe he'd taken his own life. =(

i finally called Sharon about an hour after Sagau told me the news. i felt lost trying to tell her the bad news. she didn't believe me either when i told her. kept saying "i don't believe it... i dont believe it..." i teared when she said that. started seeing images Tony back in primary school and college. it was so surreal. i wished it were just a dream.

i went with Sagau to the wake at the PJ Crematorium later that night. met some of my old classmates i hadn't seen in a long while. its always strange how something like this has to happen to catch up with old friends. =( i had found out from Janice how it happened. Tony had been casually telling his parents that something was going to happen September 11th. but no one listened. Monday night, he drove his car to a deserted neighbourhood and plugged up the exhaust, took some sleeping pills. police found him ard midnite. no one could explain why he did it. Janice said Tony was feeling rather depressed the last 3 weeks, but he never said what about. he did ask a friend to help him get a psychiatrist's number. but other than that, he seemed perfectly fine.

*sigh* the things we take for granted. what we see and what we couldn't. do we wait for something bad to happen before we say that we could've done this or that to help. or had i known..? i started contemplating on my own moments of depression and the one time i suddenly had visions of hurting myself about three years ago. i acknowledged God's presence in my life to help me pull through all these moments. and i had wished Tony had that too. made me feel guilty for not being able to help. but what i can do now is pray that God embrace's Tony's soul with Love.

i cannot understand how close death is to me, around me, this year. first it was Jon's dad, just a month before my grandmother's passing. then Tony. i can only ask God to help me understand life's value and appreciate those around me while i live.

Sze Yen, one of my classmates had put up a tribute to Tony. Just if you want to pay it a visit.
http://members.fortunecity.com/zyenweb/tribute/wongyiewhong.html