i don't know why i feel so lost. i tend to feel like this when i'm home, online and Mal's not. this sort of space makes me think of the things that we used to do - like watching foreign independent films, blowing bubbles in the apartment lane, sitting at A&W brainstorming ideas or just sitting around in his car and talking about everything. it feels like a gap or a void in waking every day without him. it's just going to work, having lunch, coming home... or seeing friends off and on. doesn't seem like there's anything more to it than that.

Mal sent me a darling teddy bear late last week. he's a scruffy, desolate looking thing. but he's the sort of bear you learn to love. he's grey, has stitches and nice feeling velvety patches all over him. he's adorable. and i agree with Mal that he has quite a bit in common with Benjie. just thinking of Benjie and all he represents makes me smile, cos i know he's not just a bear - and all that i'm thinking about him reminds me of how Mal and i talk about things. *sniffles*