i've had it up to my head in work... and what a better time to have relationship problems than now. how exciting! gah!
the stress and the unfocused attention i've been struggling with to juggle the four projects i'm handling, and annoying clients to boot - has just been driving me insane the last two weeks. things have mellowed down a bit now, but i'm swamped with worries and an increasingly hormonal attitude. i can't stop thinking about what's next after my contract ends here, what i need to do to get another job, when i can get down to Manila to visit my grandmom, the financial issues of getting a car, the idea of starting to pay up the house loan... damn... is this what it's like being a grown up? i can't stop putting pressure on myself. i just know i can do better - then of course, there's the unending cycle of insatiable appetites for more...

i'm so driven by my work now, that i think relationships are becoming secondary to me. its like it can't mix anymore. can't strive for a balance.

i had a strange argument with 'mal over the phone last nite. i could barely hold my own. i was tired and drained - like i've been the whole week. and the matter at hand was how i didn't respect his time... he's also been 'hinting' at how we haven't been spending much time together the last week or so... i just don't know what is driving me nuts more, the fact that he knows how stressed i am and is complaining like some annoying deprived old hubby not getting enough of it... or that i feel guilty. one thing is for sure, i cannot stand being in such a submissive position whenever we argue. i knew this relationship was going to be different - different from the times i've dated SNAGs who just gives in to whatever my argument was. so maybe i just can't deal with it. can't deal with someone who's now giving me a taste of my own medicine - the double standards i so freely used to my advantage.

*sigh* i'm a control freak - and i'm losing control of it.