my life is just so miserable right now...
being a director understudy is tough when i keep kicking myself... i can't seem to do anything right! (or sufficient in this case) i can't direct, i can't edit - my coordination seems off the mark. hmm... maybe unpolished? heh... i'm so damn bloody useless!!! oh, ya... and my BM is scum! why do i have to be so insufficient with that miserable Malay language. a language we've been *force fed* in school for so many damn years, and it's still scum... *sigh*
i couldn't feel so damn low right now... because there's so much more to add to the pessimism... *sigh*

the past two months have been hell for me. why do i feel like things can't get any better?
i'm so demotivated, disillusioned, pesimistic, angry, irritable... i haven't slept more than 4 hours the past 3 weeks. i can't do my work properly... *argh*sigh*moan* and the next person who tells me i'm not the only person in the world with problems, i'll smack him in the kisser! or i could use Ally's response and say, "because they're MY problems!" (-that's why she makes them such a big deal, to those uninitiated to McBealisms...)

='( i want to take a whole month off once my contract ends. but then again, that would mean 28 days of being a bum - spending $, wasting 'precious' time and being nagged by my *tiresome* mother who can't stop bringing up her stupid dreams of moving to America or any other stupid white-men infested country! as if i didn't have enough problems of my own, i'd have to deal with such xenocentrism! if she mentions America one more time, i'll... i'll... scream!!! i don't care if she hits me back... i'm so sick and tired of this!

maybe i'm being too pragmatic, but isn't being in control of what you have at reach now the stepping stones to reach for the skies? or is that just one of my illusions? i get more depressed when i see and hear stories of younger people doing so much more wonderful things and talented things with their lives... why can't i be like that? or am i missing a piece of the picture?

on the other hand, i can't forget what JinHo's idea/words about moving up the career ladder too fast... we're still young. it's too early to move up and out (of the country, to seemingly greener pastures). there's still so much more to learn.

i like that thought. but it's only a pacifier to me now. maybe i've grown too materialistic, or just let down my guard with all the principles and naive ideals i had. irregardless, i'm definitely a different person than i was 8 years ago... strangely, some people don't change y'know...

can't i just hide out in some small god-forsaken town peacefully, away from the murmurs and bustle of the zippy city life? can't... as wishful thinking as that is, i've no $. Ha ha ha... *wicked laugh*

mmm... does anyone really read this??