bear with me as i blabble like a cynical cow tonite... i'm not feeling exactly on top of the world right now and could just go on with whatever crap that's going on in my head at the mo'... i have no idea what exactly is the matter, all i know is that i've to say this year has been absolutely the most crappiest year i've ever had. it has kind of made me think about what i've been doing all wrong, that futile attempt to actually understand the crap i'm going thru...

i guess i'm putting myself into so much pressure that i'm breaking right now. it's all about work - and the lack of it right now i've had so many good interviews, impressed people and yet NOTHING!!! what the hell is going on?! i don't understand! i keep thinking what i've done wrong, so i won't make the same mistakes. its just annoying the hell out of me... *sigh* just when i get myself calmed and settled... something comes up to throw me into the pits! =(

i just feel terribly alone! and i feel strange how i'm realising things this way... like how come people can be so f**king fake in front of you and just tell you crap, and do nothing later? and how i've no one around who can help me, while i'm always like there for my friends?! i think i've done alot for them. i just don't understand how come i can't get that same shoulder to cry on when i need it?! *sigh* maybe i underestimate all of my friends, and i admit that. and i rarely ever ask for help. it makes them think like i'm strong enough. like i don't need them the way they need me. *sigh* maybe it's just me. maybe i don't say anything... or enough to let people know me. =( i hate how i'm home on a damn friday night... most of my friends are out with their bfs/gfs... most of them have work... i've got no one to turn to... i mean really turn to cos i'm too damn obliging. i don't seem to matter, but others matter to me?? *sigh* i even feel like Mal's bloody useless to me. think he makes all my problems worse. i hate LDRs cos they're bloody f**king pointless at times like these. what's the point of having any relationship where you are there for one another when you can't in a long distance one? i hate LDRs with a passion. just don't ask what the hell i'm doing in one. cos right now - i don't know!!! it's a bloody waste of time. boyfriends - who needs them?! i might as well be single right now. at least i wouldn't have to kill someone for not being there for me!

*sigh*

i just want to crawl into a shell and stay there a while. maybe even build up a stronger wall around me...